 Parents
& Family
From the Parent Involvement Committee at RJHS - Parents
Under Siege Dr. James Garbarino, in his book, Parents Under Siege, Why You Are
the Solution, Not the Problem, In your Child's Life shares that it is
not enough to just "work hard and raise kids in a nice
neighborhood." Too many other conditions exist that are negatively
impacting our children. Kids from "good" homes are getting in
trouble. Dr. Garbarino says that parents have the nails but not the
hammer, indicating that parents do not have all the tools they need to
raise children in today's society.
He suggests that parents become keen observers of their own thoughts,
feelings and behaviors. They are key to becoming astute observers of our
children's public and secret lives. Dr. Garbarino suggests that parents
examine their parenting styles. Do they teach confidence or fear? Do they
create structure and align positively with outside authority figures? Do
they encourage connectedness with family and community?
Dr. Garbarino talks about temperament and "mindfulness." He
suggests that temperament plays a significant roll in parenting a child
and mindfulness, the art of calmness and acceptance, can set the tone for
problem solving and decision making. He gives the following example shared
by a father:
"My son is a very difficult child. He is intense and every
little conflict becomes a major confrontation. He is often obstinate,
obnoxious and moody, is fierce in his power to deny and rationalize
everything and shift responsibility… he also has a sweet, delightful
side when things are in tune. It is tempting, when he is in a mood, to
withdraw from him or to attack him verbally as he does me. But I have
come to learn that neither strategy works in the long run. What does
work is mindfulness… it means I simulate calmness when he is around.
I suspend my impulse to judge him or to defend myself. I don't feel
his negative emotions. Almost anyone can be calm if he is sitting in a
lovely, peaceful place, but to achieve such calm when confronted by an
out-of-control, obnoxious teen boy, now that is something."
Dr. Garbarino's book is a lesson in advanced parenting, beyond the
basic methods that are taught in a preliminary parenting class. Those who
already use the skills taught in the Systematic Training for Effective
Parenting program will want to add to their awareness and knowledge. Parents
under Siege is the hammer for those who already have the nails.
Used with Permission from Stepping Stones, a publication of CARE
(Community Assessment Referral and Education)
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